This decision is similar to an executive deciding whether to accept an offer from another company after having spent much of his career with his current employer. Or it’s like being faced with an offer of a new position within the organization that requires transporting yourself and your family to another part of the country . . . or to another country. These decisions demand relocation not only physically but emotionally; they require giving up an established workstyle for one that is new and unfamiliar.
Making this type of decision requires what I refer to as "leadership maturity." You need to understand who you are and what you hope to achieve before you can make this type of decision with intelligence and wisdom. It’s taken Tony four years to realize that his marriage wasn’t working. His realization is due, in part, to his work with Dr. Melfi. Over these four years, Tony had been making more thoughtful and less reflexive decisions. As he got to know himself better, he realized that staying in the house with Carmela was making matters worse. When he moved out, he was even able to admit, "It’s better this way." Rather than storming out of the house in a rage—as he might have done earlier—Tony was very adult in his leave-taking, formally bidding farewell to his family.
Tony also faced religious and mob obstacles to leaving Carmela. Many Catholics frown on divorce. Members of the mob think that guys who can’t keep it together at home probably can’t keep it together on the street. Yet Tony overcame these obstacles because he understood himself and that continuing the marriage on its present terms was not only self-destructive but harmful to his wife and children. He was keenly aware of how much damage he could do when his temper got the best of him, and his relationship with Carmela was at the point when explosive anger was always a possibility.
What we can learn from this decision:
- Just because something is familiar doesn’t mean it’s good for you. People stay in jobs—and in marriages—long past the time that it’s good for them or their companies. It’s difficult to leave a situation that has become as comfortable as an old shoe. Not only is it difficult to leave a longtime employer, but it’s tough to jettison a long-term vendor or change a policy or process that you’ve relied on for years. Self-awareness is crucial for getting out of longterm relationships that may no longer be working. If you know yourself well, you’re aware of whether you’re staying in a situation for superficial reasons. You recognize that you’re only staying with a particular vendor because you enjoy your monthly lunches; that you’re not leaving the company because you’ve fallen into a pleasant routine; that you’re not leaving your spouse because it’s been so long since you were on your own. Tony made a difficult but appropriate decision to leave Carmela because the marriage was no longer working, and leaders need to develop the same degree of self-awareness so they know when a particular work relationship has ceased to be satisfying and productive.