Some individuals are naturally insightful, introspective, and just plain curious about themselves. These people are eager to delve deeply into understanding why they do what they do, to learn from the past so they can deal more effectively with the present. These are also the individuals who do not mind undertaking 360-degree feedback or engaging in discussions about their behavior with others. They enjoy training programs and are open to almost any opportunity to learn and improve their effectiveness. With each situation, they assess what they can learn from it to apply in other situations.
Not everyone, though, is so receptive to introspection and reflection. In fact, many highly skilled individual contributors who have great leadership potential struggle with self-awareness. They can be relentlessly, even perversely, dense when it comes to recognizing their flaws. Organizations often hire executive coaches for high potentials who exhibit behavioral problems related to self-awareness, assuming that if these people become more self-aware, it will catalyze behavioral change. Typically, these individuals don’t play well on teams or can’t get along with other people in the organization. They may also exhibit problems transitioning to new roles because they can’t adapt; they lack the inclination or insight to recognize how and why they have to change.
If someone like Tony (pre–Dr. Melfi) worked for your organization, you would hire an executive coach to help him. He’s the classic high potential with various "issues" that threaten to hamper his performance and development. If you were considering bringing in a coach for Tony, you might have your doubts. At first glance, he seems like someone who would resist a coach. After all, he was raised in an environment that didn’t value self-reflection or honest discussion of feelings; his mother certainly never seemed to take responsibility for her feelings. Given all this, you wouldn’t think Tony would be open to learning about himself. Yet Tony, like some leaders today, recognizes the connection between who he is as a person and how he performs as a professional. Tony’s increasing self-awareness over the years is due both to his own efforts to become more conscious of who he is as a person and to Dr. Melfi’s excellent coaching.
The process of developing self-awareness often requires a person like Dr. Melfi. We need someone to bounce ideas off of who isn’t going to be judgmental. An objective outsider is often in the best position to challenge our notions of who we are, and a trained coach is often in the best position to orchestrate changes. You may be able to find someone in your organization to fill this role, but it must be someone who isn’t simply going to tell you what you want to hear. Think about what would have happened if Tony went to Junior and was brutally honest about his blackouts and self-doubt. Junior would have had him hit in the blink of an eye.
To develop self-awareness, you need to hold a mirror in front of yourself that gives you a clear picture of who you are and how your attitudes and actions impact others. Executive coaches go about this mirroring process by soliciting feedback about you from your boss, subordinates, peers, customers, and even family members. They will work with you to understand the patterns of this behavior and how it’s helping or hurting others in your organization. They may also help you examine the origins of this behavior, assuming that if you deal with the underlying issues from your past you can better manage the current negative behaviors these issues have produced. For example, it is not surprising to see a leader who relies on threats to drive workplace performance come from a home where spanking and strong discipline was the norm.
TONY ON ACKNOWLEDGING HOW ONE’S PAST IMPACTS ONE’S PRESENT BEHAVIOR
"I’m a fat fuckin’ crook from New Jersey."
Whether you have access to an executive coach or want to develop self-awareness on your own, you need to hold this mirror in front of you and examine your flaws and strengths without blinking. This means accepting some hard truths about yourself as a person and as a leader. Think about some of the hard truths Tony has come to accept over the years. For instance, he recognizes that others often view him as highly manipulative. He also comes to accept that he’s prone to panic, not an easy truth for a macho guy like Tony.
I’d like you to consider the truths that you might have to confront as you gain self-awareness. The following are some sample truths that leaders discover about themselves when they work with executive coaches. Think about these truths and see if you suspect any of them apply to you:
- I sometimes come off as a blowhard, trying to impress my people with my experience and expertise because underneath I feel insecure about my position in a changing environment.
- People are reluctant to tell me the truth because I bite off their heads when they give me bad news.
- I’ve achieved my leadership position because I’m a great individual contributor and not because I’m a particularly good manager or communicator.
- I don’t work well with people who are different from me; I tend to work well with an inner circle of like-minded managers and avoid people with different ideas and from different backgrounds. This may be because of my up-bringing and education—I’ve been around white, uppermiddle-class people all my life.
- I’m a pleaser. I’ll go to great lengths to make my bosses and customers happy and to avoid being critical of my direct reports. There have been times when my people have messed up and I’ve been so gentle in my criticism that they probably didn’t even realize they did anything wrong. I want everyone to like me.
- At times, my arrogance blinds me to what’s really going on around me. I really believe I have a handle on situations, but deep down I realize I’m afraid to ask questions and appear like I’m ignorant.
- Though I like to think of myself as a good relationship builder, I realize I only build superficial relationships because it’s difficult for me to trust anyone. My mom married and divorced three times before I was 15, and we moved around a lot, and that has made me unwilling to put much trust in anyone. I’m very guarded around people, and I think this causes my direct reports especially to feel wary when I’m around because I keep so much from them. I’ve been burned one too many times.
- I become defensive when someone criticizes my ideas. I immediately focus on fighting back rather than really listening to what the other person is saying and determining if they’re right. I couldn’t tolerate that my idea wasn’t perfect … or that I wasn’t perfect.
Perhaps these sample truths have triggered your own truths. If so, take a moment and write them down. You may have an epiphany about who you are and how you impact those you work with. It’s more likely, though, that you must put in some serious time with your own Dr. Melfi. Let’s examine how Dr. Melfi has helped Tony come to terms with who he is and how this knowledge can benefit you.