To generate self-awareness, the first step is to look for your own version of Dr. Melfi. You may find this person inside your organization—peer coaching or mentoring can be extremely effective—but you should also consider an outside coach. Experienced coaches can often provide the perspective and tools you need, and they can push you in ways that internal people may not be able to push you. Whatever choice you make, remember that you need to find someone you can trust who will assist you with this process of self-discovery. To that end, here are the traits you should be looking for in your Dr. Melfi surrogate:
- Listens well; has the ability to pay attention to you to the exclusion of herself.
- Is willing to ask good, challenging questions.
- Helps you think through issues yourself; doesn’t dispense advice unless you ask for it.
- Is trustworthy.
- Accepts you as you are and doesn’t pass judgment.
- Isn’t trying to change you into something you’re not.
- Possesses the skills and perception to help you change the aspects of yourself you want to change.
- Has no personal agenda.
- Cares about you as a person.
- Teaches new approaches and techniques for dealing with difficult situations.
- Provides honest feedback.
Don’t make this search more difficult than it has to be. You’re not looking for Yoda or Dr. Freud. The individual you choose just needs to be a good, empathetic person who is willing to listen and offer suggestions when appropriate. It’s likely that at least one person who fits this description works in your organization, and the odds are you’ll have a number of people to choose from.
You can phrase your request for help in any way you choose, but you should be honest about your goal of becoming more aware of how you’re perceived in the workplace and how you affect others. Most people will understand this goal and will be glad to grant your request. You don’t need to take up that much of their time. Essentially, if they’re available to meet with you once or twice a month and are "on call" for emergencies, that should be sufficient.
Once you’ve identified the person who is going to coach you, you should think about the issues you want to discuss with her. Don’t make the mistake of relying on this person for the type of purely business advice you might seek from a boss or the type of ideas you might request from a direct report. This is personal, not business. Or, at least, the purpose is to increase your selfawareness, which means the issues you bring to her should relate to your fears, uncertainties, and other intersections between your personal and professional lives.
The following exercise will help you spot appropriate and inappropriate questions to ask this individual, as well as appropriate and inappropriate responses. The questions will help you determine the types of issues that you should be bringing up to gain self-awareness, and the appropriate responses will guide your search for your own personal Dr. Melfi.
Questions:
Which are appropriate questions? Which are inappropriate?
- Why do I have such a difficult time confronting poor performers?
- Why is Donna, my direct report, such a bitch; don’t you just hate her?
- I know that I’m doing a great job and should have been promoted a long time ago, but how come no one else seems to feel this way?
- Why do I find it difficult to give praise when my people do a good job?
- I’m completely confused by what happened in that meeting and what I need to do to fix it; why don’t you tell me what the right thing to do is?
- I am afraid I’ll make a wrong move and not get ahead; can you help me explore my options?
- My team doesn’t seem to be working well together, and I don’t know why. What do you think the problem might be?
- I don’t know if I should fire my direct report for all these screw-ups; do you think he deserves to be fired?
- Tell me exactly what I should do differently so that my people will perceive me as a kinder, gentler leader.
- I’ve reached a pretty high level in the organization by acting a certain way, but I’ve been told that I need to adapt to the new culture; how can I change in ways that are antithetical to what has brought me so much success?
Appropriate questions: 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 10
Inappropriate questions: 2, 5, 8, 9
As you may have guessed, questions that call for your advisor to tell you what to do, gossip, or make judgments are inappropriate. As Tony demonstrates, he gets the most out of his sessions with Dr. Melfi when he explores his underlying motivations behind his actions and considers the implications of acting in certain ways. Dr. Melfi encourages him to reflect and understand, and in this way, he learns about himself rather than just learning what he should do. As a result, he grows as a person and as a leader.
Now let’s look at responses to a few of the questions to know how your Dr. Melfi should be helping you. I’ll list three of the appropriate questions, each followed by an appropriate and an inappropriate response:
1. Why do I have such a difficult time confronting poor performers?
Appropriate response: Do you think you might hurt his feelings? Do you think he may not like you anymore? Consider your history of dealing with people who let you down; have you ever just flat-out told someone that he wasn’t doing a good job and needed to improve? Or is your pattern to avoid confrontations at all costs?
Inappropriate response: Maybe you have such a tough time confronting poor performers because you’re a wimp. Don’t deny it. You’re afraid of getting yelled at. You’ve got to toughen up or people will walk all over you.
3. I know that I’m doing a great job and should have been promoted a long time ago, but how come no one else seems to feel this way?
Appropriate response: How did your parents respond when you did well at school? You may be used to receiving a lot of compliments and encouragement, but sometimes you can do a great job and receive nothing in return. You said no one "seems to feel." It sounds like you’re not quite sure. Perhaps you should talk to your boss about your performance and the possibility of a promotion.
Inappropriate response: It sounds like you work for a bunch of ingrates. If they don’t recognize what a terrific performer you are, get out of there and join a company that will appreciate you.
7. My team doesn’t seem to be working well together, and I don’t know why. What do you think the problem might be?
Appropriate response: If you could wave a magic wand and the team could suddenly start working effectively together, what would it be like? Describe how you dream of them functioning together; what specifically would they do that would allow them to work faster, more creatively, and more effectively? When you paint this picture and consider the reality of the team, what’s getting in the way? Is it an individual? The team process? Overly ambitious assignments?
Inappropriate response: Teams don’t work well together because of personality conflicts. Root them out and you’ll see the team get back on track very quickly.
As these responses indicate, your advisor should use a questioning technique to help you think more deeply about the issues you’re raising. Remarks that gently push you toward honest reflection are also good. What doesn’t work, however, are pronouncements or general recommendations. The pedantic advisor is nothing more than a talking textbook and doesn’t facilitate a dialogue that creates self-awareness.