Tony’s communication style is marked by the following four positive traits:
- Directness
- Empathy
- Clarity
- Adaptability
As anyone who has ever watched the show can attest, Tony is not one for long diatribes. He gets right to the point, using as few words as possible to get there. He also uses everyday language—no big words that you have to look up in the dictionary. His guys respect Tony’s style because they know he doesn’t hold back. If he’s upset with them, they know it. He may not always speakele-gantly or grammatically—and his expressions can be coarse—but people always know where they stand with him. He also expects others to be concise and get to the point and he can get impatient if the pace is a little slow.
TONY ON HOW TO DELIVER FEEDBACK
"Well, spit it out!"
Many leaders today hide behind their PowerPoint decks, believing that flowery language is needed to convey key points, that in business settings, they need to speak differently or more formally than they ordinarily would. Tony rarely resorts to euphemisms or overly complex language. He would never tell Christopher, "I believe it would be advisable if you were to practice a form of waste disposal on Mr. X to prevent him from articulating unpleasant sentiments."
Tony’s communication style can be confrontational at times, but he often is able to avoid the negative fallout of confrontations because of his high level of emotional intelligence. This combination is often disarming (sometimes literally so). Tony reads people’s emotions so adroitly (except for Carmela at times) that he can intuit if there’s a problem or issue that might be getting in the way of achieving a goal. He uses his instincts to back off from his confrontational style when he sees that it will exacerbate a problem, a technique that gives him the freedom to push people hard so he can get the information he needs. He can sense the point where he needs to back off, and this enables him to keep the pressure on when other bosses might have to let up.
In one of the first episodes, for example, at a famous Tony barbecue, Tony notices that Christopher is a bit quiet. He says to Christopher, "Enough of this shit, what’s wrong with you?" At first Christopher does not reply. Tony, however, is undeterred by this reaction and repeats, "I asked you what’s wrong?" Reluctantly, Christopher admits that he believes Tony should have handled a situation differently. This is difficult for Christopher to admit, in part because he wants Tony’s approval as well as his blessing for a promotion and knows this might not be the best way to go about achieving these goals. Tony, however, is able to elicit the valuable information from Christopher because he’s direct, persistent, and genuinely caring. When Tony asks Christopher, "What’s wrong with you?" it’s not meant only as a criticism but as honest concern regarding Christopher’s emotional state. Tony is brilliant at showing his soft side when he’s being tough. If Tony were only tough, Christopher would be tempted to withhold information. It’s the paradoxical combination of soft and hard that allows Tony to communicate effectively. This represents Tony at his authentic best.
In addition, when Tony has a difficult conversation with someone close to him, he often ends the tough talk with a hug. In this caring physical gesture, Tony is communicating what he feels about the person to temper his harsh words. In every hug he gives, Tony is saying, "It’s okay now. We will move forward. I will not hold it against you." This allows him to say things to his people that a less empathetic leader couldn’t get away with. Many leaders today opt for soft or hard but don’t attempt to find a middle ground between the two. Jerry, for instance, is a top executive with a software company that has been going through some tough times. Jerry has been meeting with the managers of seven different teams to ascertain who in each team should be retained and who should be let go. Understandably, the team leaders don’t want to "betray" any team members. Almost every conversation with Jerry starts out with the team leader insisting everyone is indispensable. Though Jerry gently pushes and prods, he clearly communicates through his words and body language that he’s not going to nail them if they refuse to provide him with names. As a result, his managers feed him a few token names of people they either don’t like or who they know plan to leave the company soon (because of retirement or other job offers). Of course, taking the opposite approach can also have negative consequences. If Jerry had charged into each manager’s office and said, "Either you’re going to do what I ask right now or your name will be on the top of my ‘let go’ list," he would have alienated his direct reports. Even worse, they might sabotage the lists they gave him because they resented his heavy-handed approach.
If Tony were given this assignment, he might have slapped around a few reluctant managers who withheld names, but afterward, he would have expertly empathized with their divided loyalties to the point that they didn’t hold a grudge against him.
Another trait of Tony’s communication style is clarity. Tony is always very clear about what he expects to be done and when the task is to be completed. He does not leave any room for misinter-pretation. A classic example is when Brendon and Christopher hijacked one of Junior’s trucks after being told not to as a result of a sit-down. When Tony finds out what they’ve done and clearly isn’t pleased, Christopher asks him what to do. Tony replies, "What you are to do is, take the suits and put them back in the truck and then take them back and call my uncle." He finishes with "You leave trucking and everything else that belongs to my uncle alone . . . you got it?" Not only is the task clear but so are the expectations for future operations—no more messing in Junior’s operations. For Christopher, the consequences of not obeying are also clear.
Many leaders don’t take the time or make the effort to achieve this clarity in their communication. I’ve worked with otherwise brilliant executives who seem to believe that their direct reports should somehow sense what they’re really saying. I remember one instance when a senior vice president was chewing out a project manager because he had delivered a report two days late. The project manager maintained that the vice president had told him that he needed the report by "Wednesday at the latest" and the manager had turned it in Tuesday afternoon. The vice president replied, "What’s the matter with you? Can’t you read between the lines? Clearly, I implied that I needed the report as soon as possible."
Clearly, he did not. Reading between the lines is not the best technique for communicating important information. Tony is skilled at testing the clarity of people’s understanding. For example, Tony brought the twin brother of a man he had whacked over to his crew to keep an eye on him. Paulie tells Tony that he thinks this guy is acting a little strange and may have found out that Tony had his brother killed. When Tony is alone with the brother, he decides to handle the situation with his usual candor by asking the brother, "You got a problem?" Tony waits a few seconds, but there is no response. Rather than walking away from an uncomfortable situation, Tony comes back with, "Well I heard that maybe you got a problem." The brother timidly replies that he has no problem. Tony does not allow this ambiguous response to stand, insisting, "You say you’re sure. Don’t say you’re sure if you’re not sure."
Tony’s fourth distinctive trait is his ability to adapt his communication style. He recognizes the need to change his tone and demeanor based on whom he’s talking to. With Johnny Sack, Carmine’s underboss, Tony is a little more formal, showing just a modicum of respect. He uses less profanity and bigger words and makes sure that he enunciates. At the same time, he doesn’t give the appearance that he is in any way inferior to Johnny. His manner has just the right amount of respect—not quite that of an equal but definitely not that of a subordinate.
Though Tony also shows respect to Junior, it takes a different form in their communications. Tony carefully chooses his words when talking to his uncle, recognizing how sensitive Junior is to negative feedback. When Tony has to deliver bad news, he moderates his usually direct communication style, couching the bad news in ways that he avoids making Junior defensive or, even worse, causing his uncle to tune him out. At one point, the captains had complained to Tony that Junior wasn’t distributing the take fairly, and to help Junior understand this problem, Tony used a metaphor rooted in Roman history to illustrate the issue. Unfortunately, the metaphor goes over Junior’s head. Undeterred, Tony tells Junior a story Junior had told him when he was a child. At this point, the message gets through.
These four traits—directness, empathy, clarity, and adaptability—are in short supply in leadership circles. As you read about how Tony uses these traits to be an effective boss, did you find yourself thinking, That sounds like me? Or did his style seem light-years removed from your own? The following exercise will help you assess your style versus Tony’s. As you’ll see, there are two lists of quotes, each reflecting the communication style of two types of leaders (though the quotes from the Tony-like Boss aren’t direct quotes from Tony Soprano but rather how Tony might speak if he were CEO of a major corporation). Place check marks next to the quotes on each list that might reflect something you would say. Add up the check marks for each type of boss and see which one fits you best.