- The truth may hurt. As Tony might say, "Yeah, but it’s better than a sharp stick in the eye." Which, figuratively speaking, is exactly what you’ll get if you ignore feedback. Think about Tony’s inner strength and how well it serves him. If you’re strong enough, you can take some criticism and bad news. Not to be insulting, but Tony’s thick skin allows him to absorb a certain amount of hurtful feedback. Develop this thick skin by training your inner voice to repeat, "It’s business, not personal." This inner voice can help take your ego out of the equation momentarily, giving you the space you need to process whatever feedback comes your way. Remember that this will help you become a better leader, even if the feedback stings for a second.
- You might have to acknowledge that you are not perfect. You’re probably under the influence of the traditional leadership model, one in which people in power weren’t allowed to show weakness. This may have worked 30 years ago but not now. Think of your imperfections as your strengths. Tony certainly has weaknesses—a bad temper, hubris, a sometimes cruel sense of humor, and so on—but he usually doesn’t mind when others point out his flaws. Remember, leadership isn’t about being perfect; it’s about doing the best you can despite your imperfections.
- The feedback does not make sense—they obviously don’t understand you or your intentions. It doesn’t make sense only because you’re not really listening to what people are telling you. They may be wrong, but it’s worth trying to figure out if that’s the case rather than immediately dismissing what they say because you assume they don’t understand you. Tony sometimes gets frustrated when he thinks people have misunderstood his intent, but he doesn’t allow that frustration to stop him from listening. Wait until you’ve received all the feedback and then determine if they misunderstood your intentions. In addition, be aware that a lot of people don’t give two figs about your intentions if your actions had a negative impact. They’re giving you flak because your decision hurt them in some way. Therefore, focus on how your behavior must change to remedy a problem rather than waste time trying to justify your actions.
- You might have to change and you lack the time or energy to do so. Tony is astonishingly adaptable. He can shift positions on a dime when the information dictates change. Yes, change takes time and energy, but it’s what allows Tony to create alliances with former enemies and recognize emerging opportunities before others do.
- You don’t care. Typically, leaders don’t care what others have to tell them because they’re brimming with self-confidence and believe they know everything they need to make good decisions. In a world where new information is being created every second, though, no leader knows enough. As confident as Tony is, he recognizes that he needs to depend on his crew for information—there’s just too much happening for him to keep tabs on everything. No matter how confident you are, you’re probably not as confident as Tony, and he recognizes that he needs to listen to others to be a good leader.
- Their comments are motivated by their dislike of you, so you can dismiss what they say. At his paranoid worst, Tony sometimes thinks this way. Fortunately, he quickly snaps out of it, realizing that some of the most valuable information can come from his enemies. The key isn’t to dismiss their feedback, but to sift through it for valuable nuggets of information. Tony is an expert at interpreting what’s behind people’s words, their motivations, and interests. Even if people dislike you and that is skewing what they tell you, see if you can read between the lines and learn something from their slanted perspectives.
- Acknowledging the feedback means acknowledging you messed up. Tony hates admitting he’s wrong, but he is capable of doing so. He seems to go through a process where at first he rejects the feedback indicating he messed up, losing his temper in the process, and then a little bit later, he pushes his ego aside and deals objectively with the information he’s received. Take a cue from Tony and do the same thing (without losing your temper, if you can avoid it). In other words, take the negative information in, shove it to the side with your skepticism, and then review it again when the "insult" isn’t as fresh or painful.
- You might have to engage in a painful conversation. It’s all too common for executives to avoid specific types of discussions with people because they know they’re going to be dealing with difficult topics. For instance, they avoid a discussion of a recent performance review, not just because they gave someone a bad review but because they anticipate negative feedback about how they conducted the review. In most instances, though, these painful conversations are part of leadership territory. Tony doesn’t enjoy telling Junior he’s made a mistake or correcting a "sensitive" member of his crew, anticipating that he’s going to be on the receiving end of negative feedback after he says what he needs to. Many times, though, these painful conversations clear the air, getting angry feelings into the open. The key for leaders is to control the discussion so that the feedback—and the emotions—doesn’t hurt the relationship.
- It will open old wounds. Tony, like many leaders, has a lot of bodies (both physical and emotional) he’d rather remain buried. Feedback can unearth these bodies. Avoiding feedback can help you avoid hearing the type of news that makes you feel sad, guilty, or angry. Yet you also avoid listening to news you might be able to use. In most instances, though, you need to grit your teeth and listen to wound-opening information by being fully in the present. As much as Tony nurses old wounds, he is able to keep his ears open even when the information hurts him because of something that happened in the past.
- You don’t respect the person(s) giving you the feedback. Tony is skilled at feigning respect for people to get them to talk to him. He may not respect Ralph, but he values him both as an income and an information source (at least until he kills him). One of the big mistakes many leaders make is accepting feedback only from their cronies, from an inner circle of like-minded individuals. Everyone can use 360-degree feedback, and if you limit it to 90 degrees, you’re limiting your knowledge.