Obviously, Tony isn’t a masochist. Being receptive to feedback isn’t the same as pinning a kick-me sign on your rear end. Tony chooses his feedback partners carefully—he selects those who will level with him—and they include his captains, Christopher, Junior, Dr. Melfi, and some family members. He also sets parameters; he expects the feedback to be delivered respectfully and with the best interests of the organization at heart.
Tony encourages feedback by creating an environment of openness and candor. Within this environment, he establishes certain rules—he is the boss, has the last word, and when he says he’s heard enough, he expects the other person to shut up—but he expects and promotes debate, disagreement, and straight talk. In fact, Tony is almost fearless in his ability to accept whatever feedback is thrown his way from his guys. If Tony were to formalize his feedback philosophy, it might read as follows:
- Feedback is nothing to be afraid of—it only hurts when you allow it to hurt. It’s business.
- You can always reject the feedback.
- People provide you with feedback because they care and want you to succeed, or conversely, they don’t want you to get hurt.
- Create opportunities for people to give you feedback to your face; better they should tell you directly what they think rather than whisper it behind your back.
- Don’t shoot the messenger, even though you might feel like shooting him; settle down, listen, and learn. And tell yourself again not to shoot him.
Let’s look at Tony’s feedback philosophy in action. When Jackie Aprile was in the hospital dying of cancer, Tony and Junior’s crews started vying for power and control in the certain event of Jackie’s death. Out of respect for both Jackie and Junior, Tony at times would acquiesce control to Junior over certain business transactions. Immediately following Jackie’s death, Christopher tells Tony, "I represent you out there and I’m tired of putting my tail between my legs . . . If you don’t do something I have to question your leadership." For Tony, who prides himself on not "laying down" for anyone, Christopher’s feedback must have been a tremendous jolt to his ego. No doubt, Tony’s initial instinct was to go for Christopher’s throat. He quickly backs off, though, for three reasons: He trusts Christopher; he knows Christopher has no self-serving motive to say what he said; and most important, he reminds himself that Christopher cares for him and the last thing Christopher wants is for Tony’s reputation to be sullied. From that point, Tony sets in motion the plan for Junior to be the boss but with Tony calling the shots.
TONY ON THE NEED FOR FRANKNESS WHEN REQUESTING FEEDBACK
"You gotta problem with me?"
Tony created the right environment for Christopher to give him feedback. Let’s examine how Tony displayed superb leadership skills in absorbing this feedback.
First, Tony didn’t respond to what Christopher said with excuses about why he didn’t go up against Junior. Instead of getting bogged down in offering his rationale, he realized the "why" was irrelevant and the damage had been done. This response prevented Christopher from becoming defensive and backing off the truth as he saw it.
Second, Tony did try to shoot the messenger—he grabbed Christopher by the throat—but he quickly calmed down, listened, and focused on what Christopher was saying without judging Christopher.
Third, Tony set the stage for Christopher to be honest through his consistent behavior. In the past when Tony received unpleasant feedback, he would explode, calm down, listen, and avoid shooting the messenger. His people could count on Tony not to be vindictive. He had made it clear that he valued honesty and truth, and for this reason, Christopher wasn’t afraid to be honest.
It’s not simply that Tony creates an environment where his key people feel that he wants feedback; Tony makes specific requests for feedback when he knows it’s important to make these requests.
The classic example of this occurred when too many people knew that Tony was seeing a psychiatrist. Acutely aware that he had to clear the air with his key people and get on with business, he calls Christopher, Paulie, and Sil together and says, "I need to tell you something . . . I want you to hear it from me and not some asshole on the street. About four or five months ago I started seeing a psychiatrist because I was passing out." He pauses and then says, "Come on, give it to me. Give it to my face, come on." When they don’t say anything, he reassures them that no business was discussed during the sessions and no names were mentioned. Finally, he says, "Ask me now, ’cause we’re not discussing it again." He pauses and then Paulie talks about seeing a psychiatrist a while back. Sil makes a comment. Christopher, though, is silent and Tony directly addresses him with, "What about you? You gotta problem with this?" Christopher simply walks away, unable to articulate his feelings.
Tony’s feedback gestalt was effective for several reasons:
- By talking about this subject openly, he made the first move and thus retained control of the situation.
- He showed his respect for his people by telling them the news first before they heard it "on the street."
- He also gave his people the information (no business or names were discussed) so they could defend him on the street if others started talking about it or asking questions. His people had all the facts and could talk credibly if challenged by others.
- By being proactive, he mitigated the potential for gossip behind his back if one of them heard or suspected what was going on. A leader who is gossiped about tends to be a leader who doesn’t invite feedback (gossip needs an information-poor environment in which to thrive).
- Tony gave them the chance to say whatever they needed to say in front of him, providing him with an opportunity for rebuttal or to address specific points.
- He asked for feedback in a very human way. Tony took a risk with his admission that he was seeing a therapist, exposing his weakness and communicating that he wasn’t the perfect leader. The downside of such a move is that his people realize he is not all-powerful and all-knowing, that he is as vulnerable as they are. In Tony’s culture—and in many corporate cultures, for that matter—this can open you up to attack and decrease loyalty. The upside, however, more than makes up for this potential negative. When leaders humanize themselves, they earn far greater loyalty from most of their people; it is much easier to have a strong relationship with a human being than with a demigod. It is also better that leaders humanize themselves than have others reveal their weaknesses. This is the difference between someone admitting he has a problem and seeking help versus a banner headline in the next day’s paper exposing his problem. We tend to admire the former action and are shocked and angered by the latter.
- After Tony told them about the therapy, he waited for them to respond. He let others talk without interrupting them or trying to correct their impressions. Most important of all, Tony did not make excuses for his behavior or become defensive. He knows that he probably disappointed Christopher, but he let him walk away. The most positive thing Tony did—and what many leaders fail to do when receiving feedback—is demonstrating not only that he was listening, but that he "heard."