All executives can take a cue from Tony when it comes to putting a little backbone into their coaching. Too often, leaders coach as if people were as fragile as the most delicate glass. They use coaching purely to demonstrate sympathy and empathy. They listen actively and generally allow others to pour their hearts out. Certainly empathy and listening are important aspects of coaching, but as Tony well knows, direct reports can be as manipulative as Christopher and as needy as Paulie, and sometimes you have to give ‘em a little smack (figuratively, of course) instead of sympathetic pats. Being direct with direct reports should be your mantra. Tony doesn’t mince words and neither should you.
You’ll recall our earlier example of when Christopher shot a civilian in the foot and Tony chewed him out. Imagine how a touchy-feely boss might have dealt with this situation using the five-step coaching model:
- (Establish rapport) "Hey Christopher, can I talk to you for a minute. How are things going? How are you feeling about things these days? I wanted to talk with you about a couple of things. Okay?"
- (Specify behavior but leave room for an explanation) "Now, this may not be true and if it is I’m sure there must be a good explanation. Someone mentioned that you shot a civilian in the foot because you had to wait in line for buns." (At this point the leader would let Christopher talk.)
- (Listen with empathy) The leader would listen to Christopher’s explanation of his behavior.
- (Discuss the standard of behavior and the impact the individual’s behavior had on you) "Shooting civilians is unacceptable behavior. When you do this type of behavior, Christopher, I get upset because we are under the microscope with the Feds and this makes us stand out."
- (Enhance self-esteem of the person) "Christopher, you are a great earner and a great guy. I trust that we will not see this type of behavior again."
As you can see, this coach has good intentions but bad effects. His Christopher won’t get the message. Or at the very least, the message will be watered down by his excess verbiage, attempts to stroke the guy’s ego, and mild reprimand. While this person may feel listened to, he won’t realize that he made a major error and he is likely to repeat this mistake in the future.
TONY ON THE NEED FOR EXECUTIVE DEVELOPMENT
"Why don’t you fuckin’ grow up?"
As a coach, you need to follow Tony’s lead and practice compassionate criticism. When someone does something wrong or is pursuing the wrong course of action, you need to coach them back to the right course with firm though empathetic suggestions. Tony let Christopher know that behavior such as shooting civilians is unacceptable, he asks Christopher a series of questions and probes to discover what is behind his erratic behavior. At no time does he excuse the behavior, but he does try to delve more deeply into the issues that Christopher is facing. Tony is able to balance the toughness of the message delivery with the softness of his concern for Christopher’s self-destructive behavior. As Christopher talks about his feelings about life, Tony turns to him, gently touches his head and puts himself in Christopher’s shoes by saying, "Look at you. I bet you’re sleeping all the time?" Christopher wonders whether he might have cancer like Jackie. Tony, sounding a bit like Dr. Melfi, asks, "Does this word cancer pop into your mind a lot, a little bit . . . what?" At no time, does he fall into the common coaching trap of dispensing advice so that the focus is no longer on the individual being coached. Coaches do their people a disservice when they pontificate or talk about how they would handle a given situation.
Let’s look at two versions of how the second part of this conversation with Christopher might have gone if Tony were a different type of coach:
Version #1:
Christopher: "Let me explain. I am struggling with the regularness of life. What’s it all about?"
Tony: "I know just what you mean. I have some of those very same questions. Why just the other day, I was asking Carmela what we are doing here on this earth. What is the purpose of our existence? What does it mean? Don’t worry Christopher, everything will be all right. These feelings will pass. It’s just a phase you are going through."
Version #2:
Christopher: "Let me explain. I am struggling with the regularness of life. What’s it all about?"
Tony: "Come on. You are not serious. Look at all that you have to live for. You have your whole life in front of you. You’re a great kid. Forget about it."
In both of these scenarios, the leader had good intent—he was concentrating on comforting—but was never truly listening or trying to focus on Christopher’s needs. In the first version, Tony was trying to show empathy by talking about a similar situation he faced. This only served, however, to shift the focus away from Christopher and onto Tony. Referring to Carmela’s problem isn’t relevant. In the second version, Tony basically invalidates and discounts Christopher’s feelings. Whether Christopher’s feelings are justified or not, these are feelings that are troubling him and getting in the way of his performance.
If Tony were to walk in the door of a typical organization and witness the way bosses coach people, he would be aghast. In fact, if he were to see the extent to which bosses are afraid to tell people the truth about their performance and what they need to do to improve, he might ask, "What the fuck is going on here?" Organizations today frequently implement strategies to drive more openness and candor into the workplace. In annual employee surveys, however, the items scoring the lowest are often ones relating to feedback, coaching, and performance-evaluation clarity. Leaders struggle mightily to tell direct reports that they’re not cutting it, fearing the resistance that Tony got from Christopher (or the tears they might receive from someone else). To "help" leaders talk straight to their people, some organizations introduce forced distribution or forced ranking processes (bell-shaped curves with so many individuals in the high rankings and so many individuals in the low rankings) to their performance-management systems. These processes "force" leaders to differentiate the performance of their employees. Before this system was implemented in one organization, it was rating more than 60 percent of its employees as top performers at a time when the business results clearly did not warrant such a rating, and it was tolerating subpar or marginal performance. Tony would approve of this forced rating system, knowing that it would provide the impetus for candid coaching conversations.
Striking a balance between being a Bobby Knight–type coach and a pushover type isn’t easy. The latter tends to be regarded as nice and easy to work for, but he usually doesn’t deliver results or helps his direct reports grow. The former gets results but at the price of losing some of his best people and creating terrible morale problems.
TONY ON COACHING WITH COMPASSION
"I got some news you’re not gonna like."
Tony seems to have mastered the Zen of coaching, in that he has found a balancing point, one in which he is paradoxically tough and gentle simultaneously. As Junior said in a "coaching" session with Tony, "There is no answer. You steer the ship as best you can." In his "performance discussions," Tony is always very clear that it is "business not personal." He is careful to focus on the specifics of the situation and what was not done well versus the individual. Although he doesn’t care for Christopher’s excuses and lets him know it, he is a good listener, open to a discussion of the facts, and able to communicate that he cares. If appropriate, he will let you know that he has been in your shoes. After most of his tense "coaching sessions," Tony always ends them with a hug. For Tony this is his way of reassuring people that the relationship is fine, even if a specific screwup isn’t. In effect, he is saying, "The incident is behind us, we’ll move on, and I still care for you."